Jealousy is an irrational block to satisfying relationships. Often the person acting on their jealous feelings rates themselves badly and believes their partner is untrustworthy and will leave them. Jealous persons are locked in powerful trance where they are convinced their feelings are CAUSED by others. Frequently jealous individuals believe their gut feelings are valid evidence of betrayal. As you've probably noticed in your interactions with jealous persons you will find them controlling and dictatorial with their partners.
Besides frequently possessing envy and the fear of losing someone to another person, jealousy can create the self-fulfilling prophesy of driving others away. Anger, distrust, controllingness, and neediness do not make for close relationships or breed warm feelings. Folks who have challenges with severe jealousy may have abandonment traumas from childhood or from early partnering experiences. The jealous person just doesn't feel safe or stable. Jealousy is very painful for everyone concerned.
Another challenge with jealousy is the jealous person may have had an emotionally deprived upbringing. These jealous folks struggle with beliefs that their partners are
not paying enough attention to them. These jealous folks "watch the tap" for attention and affection and grow angry and jealous when they don't see it. Little do they realize
that their "jealous attention and affection on demand" has the effect of pushing partners away. Jealous, angry, and needy persons are not all that attractive because of their sudden and often tumultuous outbursts.
Jealousy often contains at least several of these elements:
(1) Lots of thinking about the partner and what he/she is doing.
(2) Sometimes sadness or depressed feelings when the jealous person believes they have already lost someone (Can be triggered by old trauma feelings).
(3) The unhelpful belief that "loved ones" are totally essential to security and happiness.
(4) Lots of negative labeling of the self and partner.
(5) The belief that they have the right to control other people's lives.
(6) The unhelpful belief that we lack wholeness unless we have a relationship.
(7) Jealousy is used as a tool to control the partner's actions.
(8 The belief that partners should never shared with others, that they are property, and should not socialize.
(9) The distrust and checking up on their partner.
Like addictive compulsions, the person who suffers from jealousy needs to come to grips with their underlying feelings. The jealous individual needs to gain some awareness about their feelings and their beliefs about themselves and others. The feelings and narrow trances sparking jealousy need to be integrated. Abandonment and betrayal are challenging experiences. They are often strongly resisted.
New behavior and beliefs have to be explored. We can learn to accept ourselves and treat ourselves in a caring and loving manner no matter how others behave. We better learn firsthand that we are the source of love.
Envy can have some connection with jealousy. Envy is when we compare ourselves to other folks or compare our accomplishments to other folk's accomplishments. Envy is fueled by a negative self-view. If we accept ourselves, we don't spend much time comparing ourselves with others. This comparison can lead to disliking others or to even self-hate. When we envy, we often wish others hard times and knock their achievement and success. Here the underlying belief holds that other's success takes away from our own.
When we're looking to get past jealousy we might consider:
*Spending time with our empty feelings and loneliness. They can become the bedrock of change supporting self-acceptance.
*A key approach in overcoming jealousy is building up our self-acceptance. Noticing that we're multi-faceted with many positive, neutral, and some not so hot qualities. See our community's self-acceptance learn-in.
*Work with the Jealousy Personality Cluster. Challenge and change any distorted and self-defeating beliefs connected with it.
*Check out your beliefs and integrate those that assume others are untrustworthy. It's really good to practice assuming that others are trustworthy unless they prove different. In this country folks are assumed innocent until proven guilty. Assumptions gut feelings, and jumped to conclusions are especially poor evidence if you have any history of jealousy. Your gut will always validate anything you believe even though no factual evidence exists.
*What you expect you often get. Expect others to cheat and behave like they are and pretty soon they might because your distrusting behavior may help shape their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Folks begin to feel distant and dishonored when others don't trust them. They really might start looking to others for closeness and relationship.
*Accept it when you experience jealousy or envy. You really should feel this way if you're thinking jealous thoughts.
*Recognize that others have the right to choose what they want to do.
*It's okay to want to be close to your partner and avoid a lot of sharing. That may be a spoken agreement between you and your partner.
*Losing a partner is not the end of the world. As adults we can find other sources of love and interest. We can reconnect with our own sources of love and we can treat ourselves in a loving and caring manner. Let that emotional needy and driven quality be fully felt, yet acted upon.
*Neediness is a powerful emotion and produces feelings that can seem overwhelming. This is the nature of a love compulsion. One person is not totally essential to our happiness and security. We have many, many resources, both within us and outside us, to replace what we no longer have.
*If you have a Mistrust Personality Cluster that can be a target for integration and belief change.
*We have no right to control others.
*Jealous behaviors can be repatterned with the Habit Cracker, Pattern Tree, or the Behavior Repatterner from the Emoclear book: "Your Emotional Power".
*If our partners sometimes are not paying attention to us it does not mean we lack worth. Partners certainly can have other interests and diversions.
*Discover how you create your own feelings of acceptance and love. What you need is really inside you, not out there in a trance fantasy.
*Jealousy very much has a compulsive and addictive quality to it. Go feel and integrate the avoided emotions that engender a jealous compulsion.
Take care, Steve