To build an emotional bridge, develop warmth and closeness, and create a deeply pleasurable sexual connection we sometimes need to develop physical intimacy skills. Let’s take a look at these skills.
Our sexual urges are controlled by our imagery, fantasies, and the impact of our hormones.
It helps to have a partner who enjoys the same frequency of love making you do. If you and your partner differ in sexual frequency and neither of you have a dire need to have or to avoid sex, then tradeoffs can be made. Considering what your partner’s beliefs about what is frequent or infrequent may be helpful in finding an understanding.
Partners often differ in tastes, sex drives, frequency preferences, and interest levels. Watch out for the idea you can't stand giving up your way.
Men sometimes concern themselves about: (1) Having erections. (2) Their size. (3) Coming too quickly or not at all. (4) Being unmanly. (5) Getting rejected. (6) Being better than a fantasy.
Women sometimes worry about: (1) Number of orgasms. (2) Having "ultimate" orgasms. (3) Having orgasms at all. (4) Virginity. (5) What their partner thinks. (6) Being a sex object. (7) Getting turned-on. (8) If their fantasies are okay. (9) About decreased sex drive. (10) If something is physically wrong. (11) Asking for lovemaking. (12) About losing control. (13) Personal scent.
We can deeply love someone, be turned on by them, and be fully committed to them, yet still be attracted to others. However, we do not have to act on that attraction.
Avoid the ultimate orgasm trap. Ultimate orgasms, like perfection, are carrots before the donkey--chased, but seldom caught. The hunt for ultimate orgasms can destroy your pleasure and can lead to knocking yourself if you fail to get one. Some orgasms are stronger than others, yet you will be wasting your time by measuring your pleasure by perfection. Enjoy what you have.
Check your rules about sex. What is the origin of those shoulds & musts? Better to use prefers, wants, and desires. Processing and integrating beliefs can be helpful here.
Anxiety, anger, guilt, shame, depression, and impatience contribute to most sexual difficulties. These are grist for integration.
Sex is not isolated from the rest of your relationship. If you are having troubles elsewhere, look for those troubles to affect your sexual desire.
If you have persistent sexual difficulties such as a low sexual drive or a failure to get or maintain an erection, go to a physician specializing in sexual problems. Some sexual difficulties have a physiological basis.
Couples working on different schedules or going to sleep & getting up on different schedules may find their sex life out of sync. One may be tired or uninterested when the other is turned-on. This common challenge to career couples can be helped by altering schedules and setting special times aside.
You can worry yourself out of sexual pleasure by asking what if: (1) I can't get turned on. (2) My partner doesn't orgasm. (3) I come too soon. (4) I can't come. If these worries seem pervasive, see if they are covering other feelings.
Some folks say our brain is our largest sex organ. We learn to identify certain people, shapes, and objects as sexy. Our attitudes & evaluations make them attractive. Notice how other people differ about what body shape is most appealing. We learn how to make love, to give what we see and touch sexual meaning, and how to evaluate certain feelings as sexual.
Doing is more important than having a "masterful" sexual performance. When you concern yourself with being masterful, you can count on becoming a spectator and missing out on being absorbed in the pleasure. Sex is more fun when it's viewed as play and not work.
Performance anxiety can invade the bedroom.
Having sexual fears does not make someone inadequate.
Is failing to have good sex really horrible?
Rating yourself by your sexual performance can be very unhelpful.
You are not responsible for your partner's sexual response. Understand your partner's desires & feelings without holding yourself accountable for them. Your partner's imagery, fantasies, and hormones form the basis of their sexual response. You can't enter their head and control their images & evaluations.
Let your partner clearly and specifically know your sexual desires.
What sexual acts do you believe indecent? What makes them indecent?
Sex can be a highly enjoyable experience that can be done in a wide variety of ways.
Sexual fantasies are fun and okay.
The entire body from head to toe can be a source of sexual arousal. Experiment. Try some creativity with the famous double column method. Place these columns side by side and make stimulating pairings.:
Utilize the Relationship Remodeler.
If you have difficulty expressing your desires to your partner, you may want to examine your evaluations for unhelpful beliefs and practice bedroom assertiveness. See the Assertiveness page.
If you feel shameful about certain sexual activities and want to overcome these challenges, create a "shame attacking" exercise for it and use it. Use integration processes on the shame, then do the so-called shameful activities.
Impotence is an inconvenience and not a catastrophe. Failure to have an erection fails to prove you are not a man. Studies say most men become impotent at one time or another. Failure to get an erection will not halt your ability to get or give love. A fair number of men, because of injury, can utilize other parts of their bodies or use vibrators to satisfy their partners. Most impotence is caused by performance anxiety. Look for performance anxiety in the Emoclear Forums.
Some women may be non-orgasmic because of biological reasons. If you can't achieve orgasm through masturbation, then get a checkup from a physician who specializes in sexual problems.
Men: watch out for these unhelpful beliefs: (1) If I can't get an erection, then something's wrong with me. (2) If I get rejected, I'll always be rejected. (3) I'm worthless if I can't satisfy my partner or get an erection. (4) I must be great at sex before my partner would approve me. (5) I must have an erection. (6) Not getting an erection is a disaster. (7) It's my fault if my partner doesn't get turned-on. I'm totally responsible for my partner's sexual responses. (8) It's awful if I orgasm too quickly. (9) It's horrible if I can't orgasm. (10) Being rejected after having sex is an utter disaster. All of these beliefs and the feelings they create are grist for integration.
Women: the following self-talk will take away from your sexual feelings: (1) Am I as good at this as others in his life? (2) Maybe I'm not doing this right? (3) Am I making too much noise or not enough? (4) Do I look like a dead flounder? (5) I shouldn't have to do "that". (6) I should not have to ask for "that". (7) I can only feel good when he's feeling good. (8) Am I being exploited or only having seen as a sex object? (9) I shouldn't have those kinds of fantasies. (10) Sex is totally sinful. (11) Is this the "right" time to make love? (12) I need at least 45 minutes of foreplay...exactly. (13) I'd feel weird if I was not in control. (14) There's only one "correct" way to make love and that insensitive brute isn't doing it. My partner should intuit my feelings. (15) Can he tell I'm a virgin? (16) I should be more experienced. (17) I can't show him how I feel. (18) What if he rejects me? (19) If he doesn't call back I'll die a reject. (20) I should not enjoy love this way. (21) If I told him I'd be pushy. (22) I must have multiple orgasms. If they don't happen, then something must be horribly wrong with me. (23) I wish he would hurry up and get this over with. (24) I could never do "that" in front of him. (25) Do I have an odor?
Men: Difficulty with premature ejaculation (getting pleasure too soon)? Often it's caused by not recognizing the sensations prior to ejaculation either because you are very enthusiastic or you're focused on some negative emotion. To overcome this common challenge, learn to recognize pre-orgasmic feelings and how to lengthen your time of sexual excitement. Be aware of any anxiety or anger you're experiencing prior to ejaculation. Listen for unhelpful evaluations. Getting turned on can be paced by altering your fantasies. Even though it's preferable not to ejaculate too soon, no law commands that you must not. If your penile love-making fails to orgasm your partner, you can stimulate her with your fingers or other body parts.
You might enjoy mutual fondling with no thought of intercourse. Cutting down on performance anxiety, mutual fondling builds foreplay skills and is pleasurable in itself.
Some women may actually prefer finger manipulation more than penile-vaginal penetration.
If you think about not getting orgasms during lovemaking, you can almost guarantee not getting them.
Love & sex are not always closely related. It's possible to have great sex with someone you aren't crazy about and have poor sex with someone you deeply love.
The most common reasons why men fail to get erections are: (1) Alcohol & drugs. (2) Urologic problems. (3) Nervous system disorders. (4) Negative emotions. (5) Obesity. (6) Hypoglycemia. (7) Hormonal diseases.
Women find your erogenous zones through experimentation & let your partner know them. Tell your partner how much pressure to apply and where. Frequently the clitoris, the inner lips, and the region near the urethra are good areas to stimulate.
Erection problems may be psychological when: (1) You get erections with certain partners. (2) The problem comes and goes. (3) You wake up with an erection. (4) You have an erection during masturbation.
The most common fears blocking erection: (1) Making your partner pregnant. (2) That you lack sexual skill. (3) Getting disease. (4) Rejection. (5) Being controlled. (6) Unfavorable comparison. (7) That your partner won't be turned-on and that will prove you're not a man. (8) That you act immorally.
A good time to make love is when you're relaxed, rested, in no hurry, can focus on enjoyment, and feel close to your partner. Relaxation or a nap works wonders prior to making love.
Signs of female arousal: (1) Breathing deeper & louder. (2) Nipples erect and hard. (3) Breasts enlarge. (4) Vagina moistens. (5) Labia swells and becomes reddish or even purple. (6) The body often blushes. (7) Orgasm may result in spasms & tremors over the entire body.
Attentiveness, consideration, and kindness creates a good climate for love making.
If you don't want a sexual relationship, say no. You won't be a prude.
Men may find these methods useful if their partner has difficulty climaxing: (1) Stroke & touch her sensitive areas in a constant, forceful, & rhythmic way. (2) Ask what she enjoys. (3) Seek the most sensitive regions (generally the clitoris & vaginal walls). (4) Stroking & touching both the breasts & clitoris can be highly stimulating. (5) Let your partner know your warm feelings toward her. (6) Experiment with new positions & new ways of stimulation. (7) Deep penetration of the vagina may help. Face to face positions will facilitate deeper penetration. (8) Make love when you and your partner are relaxed & focused on love making. (9) Find out the kind of environment most likely to stimulate your partner. Special sheets? Candles? Music?
Masturbation is not abnormal. According to sexual surveys most persons, even married ones, masturbate. Masturbation is a loving thing to do for yourself and has its share of pluses: (1) Feels good. (2) Generally leads to orgasm. (3) No performance demands. (4) If done privately, you won't be judged by another person. (5) No disease. (6) You can have positive fantasies. (7) You will likely feel uninhibited. (8) No partner required. (9) You don't have to wait for anyone. (10) You can move at your own pace.
Men if you're having difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, pay attention to turning your partner on.
Some organic reasons for women being blocked from achieving orgasm are: (1) Hormonal deficit. (2) Nutritional deficiency. (3) Fatigue. (4) Nervous system disease or injury. (5) Injured or non-functional sexual organs.
Have fun, Steve